Rough Days

I feel sort of stuck. You have to have tried for six months to a year to be considered to have fertility issues. We haven't even been trying for a full month, but considering I am on cycle day 55, something is clearly wrong.

I am debating about when to go to my gynecologist. I have been with him for two years and have never met him. I have only had a nurse practitioner for both of my yearly appointments. It takes at least 3 hours to have an appointment there too. They are always running ridiculously late due to him making baby runs. So needless to say, I don't have a real connection with him and and he has no personal knowledge of me or any of my previous issues. When I got married, I had to change insurance and lost my favorite gyno that I had been with for years.

I have not been diagnosed technically with PCOS yet, my previously gyno thought it was likely, but I wasn't TTC then, so there was no testing done. But I have done a bunch of research, because that's the kind of OCD person I am, and I know that the best treatment is going on a Diabetic/Low GI diet. So I am planning to start that soon. My mom is having surgery soon and I have to babysit her and cook for her, so I am planning to start as soon as she is recovered. But I have also read that a bunch of people are put on Metformin along with the diet to help regulate the insulin and hormones and encourage ovulation. And Metformin is supposed to mess with your stomach and make you generally feel nasty, but those symptoms are sometimes helped by eating a better diet for a while before it is started. The question is how long should I wait to be on the diet before I go to the gyno. And will they even treat me if we haven't been trying that long?

On to the emotional side of things:
I was just sort of randomly surfing the Internet when I found Psalm 113:9 written out. I gasped and almost started crying. I felt like it had been put there just for me. I want to count on it like a promise from God for me, but then I am afraid that if I put too much stock in it and if I am reading too much into it, and we don't ever conceive it might rock my faith. How on earth am I supposed to balance trying to maintain hope and faith in God to provide us with kids, while knowing that may not be His will. And sure, there is always adoption, which I am a big fan of, but I know my hubby wants biological children, and I don't know that we could afford the cost of adoption anyway and there is no guarantee to get a child that way either. How do you balance hope and realism without one killing the other?

And I don't know how to answer the "When are you going to have kids?" question. It was easier before, although still awkward, when we were "waiting for a while." But now I don't know what to say. I almost feel like I haven't earned my stripes to say we have fertility issues since we haven't been trying very long, but I am certain that I have PCOS and it will be a long road for us. And I don't really want to say we are trying cause I feel like people will ask me every two months if I am pregnant yet and that would hurt. And the questions are unavoidable because I work with children and people therefore assume that I must want my own.

Oh, and I have an almost completely finished nursery in our house and I have a love/hate relationship with the room. Its beautiful and I love the decor, but it makes me sad to be in there.

And I don't know what to say to my husband, because I don't think it even occurred to him that it might not be super easy to get pregnant. I feel like he is hurting too and is disappointed and I don't want to constantly bring it up to him and keep hurting him. But he is my best friend and I am used to talking to him about absolutely everything.

And I am afraid that I might start hating my job. My job is mostly spending time with other people's children. And while it hasn't really started hurting yet because they are kindergarten and above, I am afraid that will eventually start to grate. Holding babies right now is such a bittersweet experience for me right now.

For the last few days, I feel relatively okay for the first part of the day, but sometime around 2:30, my attitude takes a nose dive and I am ready to give up on the day and go to sleep. That level of sadness scares me.