I feel sort of stuck. You have to have tried for six months to a year to be considered to have fertility issues. We haven't even been trying for a full month, but considering I am on cycle day 55, something is clearly wrong.
I am debating about when to go to my gynecologist. I have been with him for two years and have never met him. I have only had a nurse practitioner for both of my yearly appointments. It takes at least 3 hours to have an appointment there too. They are always running ridiculously late due to him making baby runs. So needless to say, I don't have a real connection with him and and he has no personal knowledge of me or any of my previous issues. When I got married, I had to change insurance and lost my favorite gyno that I had been with for years.
I have not been diagnosed technically with PCOS yet, my previously gyno thought it was likely, but I wasn't TTC then, so there was no testing done. But I have done a bunch of research, because that's the kind of OCD person I am, and I know that the best treatment is going on a Diabetic/Low GI diet. So I am planning to start that soon. My mom is having surgery soon and I have to babysit her and cook for her, so I am planning to start as soon as she is recovered. But I have also read that a bunch of people are put on Metformin along with the diet to help regulate the insulin and hormones and encourage ovulation. And Metformin is supposed to mess with your stomach and make you generally feel nasty, but those symptoms are sometimes helped by eating a better diet for a while before it is started. The question is how long should I wait to be on the diet before I go to the gyno. And will they even treat me if we haven't been trying that long?
On to the emotional side of things:
I was just sort of randomly surfing the Internet when I found Psalm 113:9 written out. I gasped and almost started crying. I felt like it had been put there just for me. I want to count on it like a promise from God for me, but then I am afraid that if I put too much stock in it and if I am reading too much into it, and we don't ever conceive it might rock my faith. How on earth am I supposed to balance trying to maintain hope and faith in God to provide us with kids, while knowing that may not be His will. And sure, there is always adoption, which I am a big fan of, but I know my hubby wants biological children, and I don't know that we could afford the cost of adoption anyway and there is no guarantee to get a child that way either. How do you balance hope and realism without one killing the other?
And I don't know how to answer the "When are you going to have kids?" question. It was easier before, although still awkward, when we were "waiting for a while." But now I don't know what to say. I almost feel like I haven't earned my stripes to say we have fertility issues since we haven't been trying very long, but I am certain that I have PCOS and it will be a long road for us. And I don't really want to say we are trying cause I feel like people will ask me every two months if I am pregnant yet and that would hurt. And the questions are unavoidable because I work with children and people therefore assume that I must want my own.
Oh, and I have an almost completely finished nursery in our house and I have a love/hate relationship with the room. Its beautiful and I love the decor, but it makes me sad to be in there.
And I don't know what to say to my husband, because I don't think it even occurred to him that it might not be super easy to get pregnant. I feel like he is hurting too and is disappointed and I don't want to constantly bring it up to him and keep hurting him. But he is my best friend and I am used to talking to him about absolutely everything.
And I am afraid that I might start hating my job. My job is mostly spending time with other people's children. And while it hasn't really started hurting yet because they are kindergarten and above, I am afraid that will eventually start to grate. Holding babies right now is such a bittersweet experience for me right now.
For the last few days, I feel relatively okay for the first part of the day, but sometime around 2:30, my attitude takes a nose dive and I am ready to give up on the day and go to sleep. That level of sadness scares me.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Background
We're new to this journey and I feel like a severely lack people to talk to on the issue. Plenty of people care, but most don't know what to say and I don't want to be like a walking mood depressant. So I find myself sitting in silence and having thoughts replaying over and over again. Not a great scenario. At other times in my life I have found it therapeutic or even cathartic to write (a great deal of the writing tends to be sort of prayers), so I have decided to start again. I don't do journals. I write much slower than thoughts flow and my typing can very nearly keep up. And I wanted an options I could access from either my phone or my laptop or work computer, so a blog seemed to make the most sense. This isn't linked to my more normal everyday blog and none of my family know about it. I told my husband I was going to start writing, but that's about it. I sort of just want to send my thoughts out into the vast impersonal world of the internet and simultaneously store it all for posterity.
So here's a little background. Started my period at 10. Had acne from just about that age on and started developing some strange stray hairs. Since I started so young, I was not so consistent with keeping track of my period, but I remember that I never knew when it was coming. I am not and never really have been a heavy bleeder. Light bleeding for three or four days, but lots of pain. After a few years of my mom insisting I keep better track, we realized that I was not at all regular. I remember two specific times which was a 72 day cycle and 104 days. Into eighth grade and freshman year, the pain started becoming terrible. I could feel what I described as "my ovaries imploding." I was living on medication during that time. I also started having discharge on my bra. It was off white and scared the daylights out of me. My mom took me to my first gynecologist at 14. He said there was a good chance I had cysts and I might have endometriosis, but he didn't do any real testing. He told me I should go on birth control. This was traumatizing to me at the time. I am Christian and had recently started dating my first boyfriend. I felt like if anyone found out they would assume I was having sex and my reputation would be destroyed. I was very against it, but my mother insisted. I went on Seasonale (4 periods a year), which was brand new at the time. I seem to recall someone saying it made the most sense since my periods were so far apart anyway. During this time I also went to a dermatologist fairly regularly and nothing really ever helped my acne. I sort of began to assume it was teenage acne which would maybe go away when I got into twenties.
I would say within a year of starting birth control I was in much less pain most of the time. My acne got some better, but never really went away and I had terrible flare-ups during each period. I also started to slowly gain weight. I also continued to have stray hairs. I continued on it until sometime in my Sophomore year of college. My parents divorced. I broke up with that boyfriend from my freshman year of high school. And a strained relationship hit a fever pitch. I was put on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications. These tore up my stomach and I developed and ulcer so they gave me more medications for dealing with my torn up stomach. So at some point at about 20 years old, I was taking about 15 pills a night. I thought that was absolutely insane, so I stopped absolutely everything, cold turkey. I was off of everything for almost a year. During that year, my periods went sort of crazy again. Irregular and painful. My acne flared up really badly again, and the worst part was that I gained about 70 pounds in that time.
After that year, I decided to go back on birth control to help with the periods, but wanted to severely restrain the amount of other medications. This new gynecologist told me I likely had PCOS and would have a difficult time getting pregnant. She mentioned that I maybe should start trying as soon as I get off the pill for best results. This saddened me greatly at the time, but I wasn't any where near that at the time, so the sadness passed. The periods regulated again, the pain lessened, and my acne was the best it had ever been. I even got to the point where I was pretty comfortable not wearing any makeup. That had never happened before. I went down pretty quickly in weight. Lost 50ish pounds. Started dating my husband. Then slowly gained 25 lbs. Got married. Then gained 15. Then we went on a crash HCG diet and I lost 55 in about 5 months. I had crazy irregular cycles while on that diet. Lots of bleeding and way too frequent, even while I was on BC. But, I was losing weight fast so it seemed worth it. But I put on about 35 lbs back on slowly. My husband and I were pretty against having kids for a long time (selfish reasons and fear of dealing with infertility). We decided that was a very sinful attitude, so we prayed about it. And God changed our attitudes very quickly. We decided soon after for me to stop taking the pill and get on prenatals. I had a yearly exam to talked with a new gynecologist that I had never met (and still have not met). The nurse basically said good luck trying and wait three months after getting of the pill. So we waited the three months. During those three months, I blew up. I gained approximately 50 lbs. My acne became horrendous again and I had a massive resurgence of stray hairs as well.
The first two months, my period came right on schedule and I was feeling really optimistic! Then in August of 2012. I was supposed to start on the 16th. My husband's birthday is the 30th and I was supposed to ovulate then. I was dreaming of giving him a baby for his birthday, when the 16th came and went. I started to realize that the PCOS thing was surely the case, and we decided to start trying just in case.Then his birthday came and went. And now here I am 27 days late. I have taken several pregnancy tests, all negative. So that's the background or at least all I can remember at this point.
So here's a little background. Started my period at 10. Had acne from just about that age on and started developing some strange stray hairs. Since I started so young, I was not so consistent with keeping track of my period, but I remember that I never knew when it was coming. I am not and never really have been a heavy bleeder. Light bleeding for three or four days, but lots of pain. After a few years of my mom insisting I keep better track, we realized that I was not at all regular. I remember two specific times which was a 72 day cycle and 104 days. Into eighth grade and freshman year, the pain started becoming terrible. I could feel what I described as "my ovaries imploding." I was living on medication during that time. I also started having discharge on my bra. It was off white and scared the daylights out of me. My mom took me to my first gynecologist at 14. He said there was a good chance I had cysts and I might have endometriosis, but he didn't do any real testing. He told me I should go on birth control. This was traumatizing to me at the time. I am Christian and had recently started dating my first boyfriend. I felt like if anyone found out they would assume I was having sex and my reputation would be destroyed. I was very against it, but my mother insisted. I went on Seasonale (4 periods a year), which was brand new at the time. I seem to recall someone saying it made the most sense since my periods were so far apart anyway. During this time I also went to a dermatologist fairly regularly and nothing really ever helped my acne. I sort of began to assume it was teenage acne which would maybe go away when I got into twenties.
I would say within a year of starting birth control I was in much less pain most of the time. My acne got some better, but never really went away and I had terrible flare-ups during each period. I also started to slowly gain weight. I also continued to have stray hairs. I continued on it until sometime in my Sophomore year of college. My parents divorced. I broke up with that boyfriend from my freshman year of high school. And a strained relationship hit a fever pitch. I was put on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications. These tore up my stomach and I developed and ulcer so they gave me more medications for dealing with my torn up stomach. So at some point at about 20 years old, I was taking about 15 pills a night. I thought that was absolutely insane, so I stopped absolutely everything, cold turkey. I was off of everything for almost a year. During that year, my periods went sort of crazy again. Irregular and painful. My acne flared up really badly again, and the worst part was that I gained about 70 pounds in that time.
After that year, I decided to go back on birth control to help with the periods, but wanted to severely restrain the amount of other medications. This new gynecologist told me I likely had PCOS and would have a difficult time getting pregnant. She mentioned that I maybe should start trying as soon as I get off the pill for best results. This saddened me greatly at the time, but I wasn't any where near that at the time, so the sadness passed. The periods regulated again, the pain lessened, and my acne was the best it had ever been. I even got to the point where I was pretty comfortable not wearing any makeup. That had never happened before. I went down pretty quickly in weight. Lost 50ish pounds. Started dating my husband. Then slowly gained 25 lbs. Got married. Then gained 15. Then we went on a crash HCG diet and I lost 55 in about 5 months. I had crazy irregular cycles while on that diet. Lots of bleeding and way too frequent, even while I was on BC. But, I was losing weight fast so it seemed worth it. But I put on about 35 lbs back on slowly. My husband and I were pretty against having kids for a long time (selfish reasons and fear of dealing with infertility). We decided that was a very sinful attitude, so we prayed about it. And God changed our attitudes very quickly. We decided soon after for me to stop taking the pill and get on prenatals. I had a yearly exam to talked with a new gynecologist that I had never met (and still have not met). The nurse basically said good luck trying and wait three months after getting of the pill. So we waited the three months. During those three months, I blew up. I gained approximately 50 lbs. My acne became horrendous again and I had a massive resurgence of stray hairs as well.
The first two months, my period came right on schedule and I was feeling really optimistic! Then in August of 2012. I was supposed to start on the 16th. My husband's birthday is the 30th and I was supposed to ovulate then. I was dreaming of giving him a baby for his birthday, when the 16th came and went. I started to realize that the PCOS thing was surely the case, and we decided to start trying just in case.Then his birthday came and went. And now here I am 27 days late. I have taken several pregnancy tests, all negative. So that's the background or at least all I can remember at this point.
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